I'm tired of living. I don't understand it. Am I being pathetic? What's wrong with me?

I know everyone's going to say that this isn't the place for a discussion of this sort, and I suppose you're right, but I don't really care. I'm very tired. I just feel drained and exhausted, always. I do sleep, but only manage to do so at around 12 and 1 every morning. Everything seems strange and ridiculous; I don't understand any of it. I was sitting in embly and felt as though I was in some sort of silly gathering full of strange individuals. I didn't really see everyone as people. I mean, they looked the same, but I felt like I was surrounded by a species different to my own. I get exceptionally uncomfortable when I'm put in situations like that. We had chapel (I'm an atheist, but it's compulsory at school), and as soon as everyone started praying I got these hot flushes and just needed to get out. Any sort of gathering seems so pretentious to me. I avoid any sort of event that has more than 3 people, I get overboard uncomfortable. Simple gestures, gatherings or anything else completely human, I feel sorry for all of us, and just get sad, to the point that I just want to lie on the floor and sleep forever. I'm constantly picturing my death, and sometimes the death of loved ones. I find some sort of comfort in that, as though I'm actually setting myself and others free. I don't see the point in life, really. I hate myself, because of how little faith I have in us and myself. I have a small group of "close" friends who probably believe we're tight-knit, but really, I feel utterly ridiculous sitting there and talking about things that really don't matter. I'm seen as funny, entertaining and I can't understand how I'm able to hide just how disgusted and disappointed I am with all of us. That's when I wonder if I'm just making this up. I laugh and I smile. But I don't know if I'm happy. I don't really remember what that feels like, unless I'm feeling it and don't know. But I know anger, disappointment, disgust, pity and self-loathing. I have too few words left.